image by olivander
There are times when I know I need to write things down in my journal, and a part of me wants to capture those feelings, those things that happened…but another part of me resists. I don’t want to write. I don’t want to put a pen to paper and think about it. I just want to finish crying, and go to sleep, and bury whatever happened somewhere in the back of mind. I want to ignore it, forget about it. I don’t want to relieve it. I don’t want to inspect it. I don’t want to pick it apart and try to understand it. And so, I don’t want to write it down. I don’t want to journal.
So what do I do?
I will be honest…sometimes, I do ignore it. But not forever. Maybe for a day or two. Then I will write it down – but what happens then is that your entry is diluted. Emotions are under control. You only write what you want to write, the things logical mind dictates, or perhaps out of feeling that you should write it.
If I do it properly – as in, I focus on the journaling, either through timed entries, just stream-of-consciousness writing, or just focus on capturing everything, then the entry would be more honest – because then I would be relieving it, or at least attempting to access my memory in detail. Many times, that’s what I try to do.
It depends on the incidents. It depends on context. It depends on what’s happening at the time.
But that’s why, for the most part, I try to write when I am actually in the middle of, or right after feeling strong emotions. Because that’s when I can write things down without thinking about them, without talking myself out of writing them.
But the point of this post is – sometimes I don’t want to journal. And sometimes, I follow that inclination and don’t do it. At other times, I push past it, and do it anyway.